I have been so outside of myself
I have been guiding this ship through deep, through dense, through bewildering fog
pushed by the blistering winds onward
so tempted to drop anchor and stand, consumed – and I suppose at times I do-
But then tonight my lungs opened up, my cheeks darkly flushed and my body felt breath, real, deep breath cascading down my chest to my very toes and I knew how shallowly I have been living, what a masquerade this has been
It wasn’t a fog, I was flipped, walking on the deck of a boat submerged and I had suddenly come up for air.
I still exist, I haven’t been lost after all. He didn’t drown me.
I cannot go an hour without his body, his dead body clouding my vision, but I can see that I can incorporate this story into my life without losing myself. I don’t have to redefine. A voice on the radio said, “some people can love with their whole heart, even when they get hurt”. Let that be me. Let me lead myself to loving again, a clear, uncomplicated love of myself. I want my heart to grow, so that he does not fill every cavity, that I can still exist as I was, and as I will be.
I want to be light again. I want to give lightness and joy to others, to everyone around me.